Friday, September 4, 2009

I quit.

Today I quit my PhD.

I never wanted to be a quitter. I am extremely driven and competitive, I wanted to be one of the 50% that finish. I won't go into all of the drama that has happened with my supervisors/topics up until now because it is boring, but I have finally decided that it is not worth the constant depression and guilt.

Living life like this was turning me into a person that scared me. Landing myself in hospital a month or so ago was a huge wake up call. There is more to life than this.

There are so many reasons that brought me to this decision and it has taken me a really long time to know that this is the right thing for me to do, and that I don't need to have this qualification because other people think it is what I should do or simply because of the prestige or need to win.

I feel like now I will finally start living out what I want to do instead of constantly waiting for everything to happen down the track and putting my life on hold.

I am still finishing my masters, so one year to go until I am a psychologist. I should start my first placement in a month or so.

This decision was more difficult because I had a scholarship for PhD, which was my main source of income. This means that I am now looking for part time work while I am finishing my masters. I still really, really want to move out because I think this is the next step to shaking things up and climbing out of my comfort zone, which funnily enough is not at all comforting. I know that it will be financially much tighter now but I will have to make it work.

Although I am clearly relieved, I also feel a sense of loss/sadness/disappointment. I know I have let myself down in some ways and some other people. But I had to do this for me and my health - it is really hard to do something you hate for so long, your body starts to let you know.

So I suppose this is a tentative beginning of a new chapter.


Joseph Rudi Pielichaty said...

Thats probably one of the bravest things anyone could do and you should never feel like you've let yourself down. I think you should be commended for stepping back and recognising that something had to change. This could be the best thing to ever happen to you. Keep positive!

And well done!


Bovrilburger said...

I'm so proud of you :-) It took a lot of courage but I think this is really the best thing you could have done for yourself!

Time to start making leaps and bounds in life instead of being stuck in that eternal swamp of PhD. horse shit.

I love you :-*

The Naked Redhead said...

Wow...good for you. PhD programs will be around for a long time, scholarships or no. Sometimes it's great to take a step back, breathe, and try something else. It's a hard step, and it takes a lot of courage, but you did it. You'll be a much better person in good health, than a super educated one in the hospital.

drollgirl said...

it really sounds like you did the right thing. these decisions are so tough, and sometimes it takes huge health issues to let us know that something is taking too great of a toll on our lives and that it just isn't worth it.

so i am keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out. it will -- i know it. :)

K @ Blog Goggles said...

If you're miserable now, sticking with it will only make you more miserable, so I say congrats for making an incredibly tough but wise decision. Good luck!

Nahl said...

That was a very courageous thing to do. All the best with everything that is yet to come.

lion said...

being a "quitter" is often much braver and more challenging than sticking to something just for the hell of sticking to it. congratulations!

DEZMOND said...

the quitter is usually the one who stays in the comfort zone, not the one who is brave enough to follow one's dreams. We live only once, that's something we should always keep in our minds. And that's why we should be brave enough to fight for ourselves and not just go with the flow.
Thumbs up for you ;)

Georgia said...

Congratulations on the new chapter in your life. I just found your blog through my site meter and I'm looking forward to reading about your upcoming adventures...and also seeing more photos of your cute dresses!

Anonymous said...

I'm much younger than you but I am feeling the exact same way you felt. I'm at a highly competitive boarding school and it's starting to drive me insane. I'm not happy here and I know it doesn't fit my values but it's always my family's dream and what I wanted. The whole ivy league lifestyle still appeals to me, but if this is what it's like I know it won't make me happy. Letting it go is probably the hardest thing to do. I'm not sure if I should leave my school or stick it out for my own "betterment". I just feel like it's ruining who I am. And I know what you mean about your body showing signs. I'm always tired and depressed and in pain. Your story is really inspiring, even if it was such a hard and painful decision.

Anonymous said...