I quit.

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Today I quit my PhD.

I never wanted to be a quitter. I am extremely driven and competitive, I wanted to be one of the 50% that finish. I won't go into all of the drama that has happened with my supervisors/topics up until now because it is boring, but I have finally decided that it is not worth the constant depression and guilt.

Living life like this was turning me into a person that scared me. Landing myself in hospital a month or so ago was a huge wake up call. There is more to life than this.

There are so many reasons that brought me to this decision and it has taken me a really long time to know that this is the right thing for me to do, and that I don't need to have this qualification because other people think it is what I should do or simply because of the prestige or need to win.

I feel like now I will finally start living out what I want to do instead of constantly waiting for everything to happen down the track and putting my life on hold.

I am still finishing my masters, so one year to go until I am a psychologist. I should start my first placement in a month or so.

This decision was more difficult because I had a scholarship for PhD, which was my main source of income. This means that I am now looking for part time work while I am finishing my masters. I still really, really want to move out because I think this is the next step to shaking things up and climbing out of my comfort zone, which funnily enough is not at all comforting. I know that it will be financially much tighter now but I will have to make it work.

Although I am clearly relieved, I also feel a sense of loss/sadness/disappointment. I know I have let myself down in some ways and some other people. But I had to do this for me and my health - it is really hard to do something you hate for so long, your body starts to let you know.

So I suppose this is a tentative beginning of a new chapter.

Past the Mission

I got back from Europe about a week ago. Overall it was fantastic, though a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. If you click on the photo above you can view the larger version. I plan to get my lomography film developed this week sometime.

So now I am back to reality and am not really myself, everything bad seems to be happening at once (isn't it always the way?). I guess it will get better eventually.

I am very behind with uni and still pretty demotivated, I just can't seem to make myself get up in the morning. I've never been an early morning person but this getting ridiculous. Morning people how do you do it?!

Good night, I am off to catch up study...

overly anxious

Tomorrow morning I have to tell my supervisors that I am abandoning this PhD topic to be supervised by other (better?!) people.

I feel like I am going to throw up.

I am mainly worried about Dave, because I actually respect him a lot and it's not his fault that he is head of school and horrendously busy. His role is basically to babysit Elliot anyway. I don't give a crap about offending Elliot because honestly he is a fuck and is one of the main reasons I am so far behind. I could not work with him for the next 3.5 years and remain sane. I probably wouldn't even finish if I did. Still, he coordinates my masters course so I hope he doesn't take it personally and make life difficult for me.

As scary as starting again is, it is a necessary evil. I should have done this 6 months ago. I am positive about the change, I have no idea what I am doing but it still has to be better than the current situation, which was starting to get me really down.

I'm not entirely sure why I am so worked up about telling my old supervisors, I actually feel physically ill! At least it will be over by 11am tomorrow.

a brief interlude

Sorry i haven't posted in a while, I have been in South Africa for my aunt's 50th birthday (I am not South African, actually my mum's family are from Kenya, my aunt/uncle/cousin moved to SA a year ago).

The photo is me with a baby rhino at a rehabilitation centre for injured animals. The baby rhino wasn't actually injured, it was orphaned. He was so adorable!

Cape Town was a pretty place, Kruger national park was amazing and Johannesburg was bizarre and a little scary. I feel very lucky to be Australian.

I am starting to get back into PhD work. I have to tutor 3rd year statistics this semester, I hate statistics! I guess at least being forced to tutor means I will know the stuff backwards which will no doubt be useful when it comes to my own data analysis.

I have started to write some more songs that are pretty horrible, but the more I write the better I will hopefully get? My lyrics are still lame. I seem to come up with really cheesy songs that make me cringe when I play them back (I am making some rough recordings using garage band). I wish I could write a tune that was as simple and pretty as "let's go bowling" by camera obscura. I love everything about that song. "let's get out of this country" is also a favourite, why can't i write like that?! i am getting so frustrated with myself!

Songwriting tips are welcome!

sleep the clock around

I started sewing a few weeks ago and have made 3 sets of pillowcases to give to my grandmas/mum at christmas. It is nice to do something creative, as basic is it may be. I also spent all of Wednesday at my grandma's sewing a dress, I learnt a lot about darts, etc she was very helpful! The dress isn't finished yet, after christmas maybe!

Also this week I made an impulse purchase keyboard, it's a Yamaha E413. I have only ever had a piano but now I want to try to write some stuff and muck around in the privacy of my own room. I can't play in front of anyone, I am always really shy about playing music for anyone, I think it is because I think I am really crap because I am at the moment but hopefully I will improve over summer. I think if I start writing some stuff on the keyboard and being more creative I will feel much happier about myself.

I can't believe a year has gone by. I am one year into my masters/PhD! The scary thing is I really haven't done a lot and I have no idea what I'm doing with my first meta-analysis.

This year has been relatively uneventful compared to the last. I miss a lot of people. I miss going out with new people and seeing so many bands. But it has been great to have a sense of stability, which is not something I could comprehend in 2007. I think I will save the nostalgic writing for new year :p

I have moved back home now after living in North Perth for a while. The best thing about living in North Perth besides being close to everything was Hyde Park and the amazing Jacaranda trees. I love Jacaranda trees so much, they make me happy. I have also seen a lot of willie wagtail birds around, these remind me of my Pop who died 2 years ago. He loved birds and these were his favourite. It is nice seeing them, it is like a reminder that he is looking out for me.

I know I have a lot to do, christmas shopping, study, but I just can't bring myself to do anything even though I am incredibly bored. I have just been finishing sewing and listening to belle and sebastian all morning. I'm still in my PJs. I really want to reread the catcher in the rye and I got a really old copy out from the library but I haven't got around to reading it an it feels like too much effort to get out of bed at the moment (thank god for macbooks!)

I wish I wasn't so lethargic and lazy!