more changes

Wassup internet?

Since I quit my PhD (actually, I still haven't handed the forms in, but this is more of an admin issue) I have made two more changes:

* Last Sunday I moved out! weee! Now I live with a very nice Elvis Costello look alike NEXT DOOR TO A SEX SHOP! scandalous. My room is basically an ikea advertisement it has high ceilings and it is quite large so I am happy. My credit card is not so happy. The other day we microwaved mars bars and watched the bold and the beautiful. This is pretty close to domestic bliss (IF I HAD MY PUPPY, soooooo sad).

* I got a job doing test administration for an organisational psychology company. Basically when candidates apply for jobs with big companies they contract us to do the ability/personality testing. So my job is to administer the tests and score them. So far I am really enjoying it.

A few nights ago I saw 500 days of Summer and it scared me how much I related to both characters! I think if you haven't experienced the unrequited love deal you are quite lucky. I can also relate to summer's feelings about sparks and not knowing blah blah blah relationships are so complicated.

Anyway, I really loved this film and it has a beautiful soundtrack. Also, Zooey has been my girl crush for quite some time now. She is annoyingly perfect, she is in a sweet band and I want everything she ever wears. The end of the movie was pretty lame though - her name is autumn? seriously. Here are some cartoons which essentially sum up the entire movie.

In other news:

* I have finally sorted out southbound accommodation thanks to the lovely dj lm so that is one less thing to worry about.

* My skin appears to be allergic to moving/life. ughhhh.

* I really miss my dog

* I really hate group assignments and weekend classes.

* I am not adjusting to a 'living out of home' budget

* I want either a diana mini or a 35mm Holga - opinions?

Sorry if I have been a bad blog/real life friend lately, I am back now :)

I quit.

image

Today I quit my PhD.

I never wanted to be a quitter. I am extremely driven and competitive, I wanted to be one of the 50% that finish. I won't go into all of the drama that has happened with my supervisors/topics up until now because it is boring, but I have finally decided that it is not worth the constant depression and guilt.

Living life like this was turning me into a person that scared me. Landing myself in hospital a month or so ago was a huge wake up call. There is more to life than this.

There are so many reasons that brought me to this decision and it has taken me a really long time to know that this is the right thing for me to do, and that I don't need to have this qualification because other people think it is what I should do or simply because of the prestige or need to win.

I feel like now I will finally start living out what I want to do instead of constantly waiting for everything to happen down the track and putting my life on hold.

I am still finishing my masters, so one year to go until I am a psychologist. I should start my first placement in a month or so.

This decision was more difficult because I had a scholarship for PhD, which was my main source of income. This means that I am now looking for part time work while I am finishing my masters. I still really, really want to move out because I think this is the next step to shaking things up and climbing out of my comfort zone, which funnily enough is not at all comforting. I know that it will be financially much tighter now but I will have to make it work.

Although I am clearly relieved, I also feel a sense of loss/sadness/disappointment. I know I have let myself down in some ways and some other people. But I had to do this for me and my health - it is really hard to do something you hate for so long, your body starts to let you know.

So I suppose this is a tentative beginning of a new chapter.

Past the Mission

I got back from Europe about a week ago. Overall it was fantastic, though a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. If you click on the photo above you can view the larger version. I plan to get my lomography film developed this week sometime.

So now I am back to reality and am not really myself, everything bad seems to be happening at once (isn't it always the way?). I guess it will get better eventually.

I am very behind with uni and still pretty demotivated, I just can't seem to make myself get up in the morning. I've never been an early morning person but this getting ridiculous. Morning people how do you do it?!

Good night, I am off to catch up study...

in the pines

Yesterday I went to 'In the Pines' which is basically a day of local bands set in one of the outdoor auditoriums at uni. One word to sum up the day? Dirt. I always forget how dirty somerville is. When I got home I was covered in brown dirt.

I started drinking too early and felt sick quite early on (I don't handle alcohol well). Then I ate more than three grown men and drank two bottles of water and I was fine, just tired. I found myself drifting around alone a lot of the time from group to group but I guess that is generally what I do. In one of my more melodramatic moments last night I decided that I like my dog better than any human. Easily. Anyway, it was still good to get out.

The photos are of me with my good friend Brett and the girl is Nat. I only have 7 more polaroid shots left! The film is ridiculously expensive so until the new stuff gets made, I'm out of the game.

Today is a public holiday. I am going shopping with my high school bff, Kelly. I find that spending money (that should be saved for europe!) is the fastest remedy for melancholy so I am going to buy underwear. I may as well splurge on something useful, and it is always nice to have matching sets, yes?

overly anxious

Tomorrow morning I have to tell my supervisors that I am abandoning this PhD topic to be supervised by other (better?!) people.

I feel like I am going to throw up.

I am mainly worried about Dave, because I actually respect him a lot and it's not his fault that he is head of school and horrendously busy. His role is basically to babysit Elliot anyway. I don't give a crap about offending Elliot because honestly he is a fuck and is one of the main reasons I am so far behind. I could not work with him for the next 3.5 years and remain sane. I probably wouldn't even finish if I did. Still, he coordinates my masters course so I hope he doesn't take it personally and make life difficult for me.

As scary as starting again is, it is a necessary evil. I should have done this 6 months ago. I am positive about the change, I have no idea what I am doing but it still has to be better than the current situation, which was starting to get me really down.

I'm not entirely sure why I am so worked up about telling my old supervisors, I actually feel physically ill! At least it will be over by 11am tomorrow.

happy easter!

*image from The Non-Consumer Advocate

Happy Easter friends!

First, I should probably point out that I am 23 years old and my sister is 20. And yet, every easter my mother continues to hide eggs in the garden. She wakes us up early and we have to go hunting around the garden while she watches excitedly calling out hints. I am pretty sure this is for her benefit more than ours. Needless to say I am feeling pretty full.

The bf is going to France tomorrow for 6 weeks. argh.

Also this week I have been having a quarter life crisis, but more on that later.

Enjoy your long weekend!

Too accident prone for gym

I decided today would be the perfect opportunity for a triumphant return to the gym.

I started on the X-trainer. I then moved onto one of the new treadmills. I had my towel draped over the arm of the treadmill. About 5 minutes into jogging my towel fell off, ran down the treadmill and landed at the bottom of the treadmill. So I decided I would finish jogging and get it after.

About 30 seconds later the treadmill started to make a horrible groaning noise (first group of people start to stare) so I paused the clock and got off....my towel was nowhere to be seen. I looked underneath the treadmill and still couldn't see it. I had to get one of the gym instructors to come and have a look at it...basically it was (still is?!) actually inside the machine. The guy tried lifting the machine up and shaking it around, reversing the track and pulling on the tiny bit of towel showing but to no avail. Eventually he told me he would have to call the manufacturers to get it out. This is why I shouldn't go to gym!

So I am quite sweaty by this point and decide to go downstairs to buy a new towel so I can shower. For the first time ever THE FITNESS SHOP IS CLOSED. So I showered and had to dry off with my sports shorts. Gross.

Just one of the many reasons for me to continue avoiding the gym.

Secrets

Last weekend I went to Fremantle to look around the market and do a bit of shopping. I bought a summer dress and another postsecret book, which is fantastic! It is amazing how many secrets are bound by similar themes. We all go through similar challenges, the differences are in how we manage them.

I wonder what my secret would be?

I have felt pretty down in the last few days, the sadness was engulfing. It is draining trying to play a role so people don't worry. I didn't feel like me at all. It can be frightening.

I am feeling much better today and actually got out of bed to come to uni in the morning. When I feel horrible I have to push those thoughts away and remind myself that it will get better eventually, and it does.

Chin up!

Greet your madness like an old friend

Tonight I feel like an awful combination of Esther Greenwood and Holden Caulfield and I hate how cliche that is.

rosellas

When I got home from uni today these birds were in the tree in my front yard. They were really noisy - my dog went crazy and ran around in circles ha

sleep the clock around

I started sewing a few weeks ago and have made 3 sets of pillowcases to give to my grandmas/mum at christmas. It is nice to do something creative, as basic is it may be. I also spent all of Wednesday at my grandma's sewing a dress, I learnt a lot about darts, etc she was very helpful! The dress isn't finished yet, after christmas maybe!

Also this week I made an impulse purchase keyboard, it's a Yamaha E413. I have only ever had a piano but now I want to try to write some stuff and muck around in the privacy of my own room. I can't play in front of anyone, I am always really shy about playing music for anyone, I think it is because I think I am really crap because I am at the moment but hopefully I will improve over summer. I think if I start writing some stuff on the keyboard and being more creative I will feel much happier about myself.

I can't believe a year has gone by. I am one year into my masters/PhD! The scary thing is I really haven't done a lot and I have no idea what I'm doing with my first meta-analysis.

This year has been relatively uneventful compared to the last. I miss a lot of people. I miss going out with new people and seeing so many bands. But it has been great to have a sense of stability, which is not something I could comprehend in 2007. I think I will save the nostalgic writing for new year :p

I have moved back home now after living in North Perth for a while. The best thing about living in North Perth besides being close to everything was Hyde Park and the amazing Jacaranda trees. I love Jacaranda trees so much, they make me happy. I have also seen a lot of willie wagtail birds around, these remind me of my Pop who died 2 years ago. He loved birds and these were his favourite. It is nice seeing them, it is like a reminder that he is looking out for me.

I know I have a lot to do, christmas shopping, study, but I just can't bring myself to do anything even though I am incredibly bored. I have just been finishing sewing and listening to belle and sebastian all morning. I'm still in my PJs. I really want to reread the catcher in the rye and I got a really old copy out from the library but I haven't got around to reading it an it feels like too much effort to get out of bed at the moment (thank god for macbooks!)

I wish I wasn't so lethargic and lazy!

Things I should do...

1. Read more novels

2. Write some short pieces on my dusty glockenspiel

3. Move out!!!!